So, I’ve really been missing Deb lately. Again. Still. And I was reminded of this goofy little song that makes me laugh but also helps me access my feelings. If you don’t already think I’m a sick pup, perhaps this will change your mind.
WARNING: Some of you may consider the following blasphemous and all sorts of other ways inappropriate. I don’t. Pray for me if you will. But if this messes with your christology or otherwise offends your world view, I’m praying right back. 🙂
This one goes out to all of the widowers.
The convoluted thing about it is that the song (which I first heard on “Fresh Air,” while I was at the gym a couple of months ago, fwiw) is actually the second major revelation of how I’ve been feeling. In fact, it was more a reinforcement than a revelation. The first came through a scene in a movie, of which I plan to write later. And the third was a segment on “This American Life,” which I listened to today. The bit on TAL is what got me thinking of the song and made me decide I should go ahead and post it.
Of course, I don’t consider this a completely accurate depiction of who Jesus is or how I relate to Him. And there are lots of other ways that it doesn’t fit. But there are some important ways in which it does. Probably, too, the song without the video might be a little easier to relate to and to relate to my situation, but the video is too funny not to share. I don’t think I should have to say all of that, but there I did. Relax already.
Oh, and this isn’t the kind of music I usually listen to, but somehow the genre fits the feeling. Maybe I can appreciate down-and-out, I-need-another-drink country music . . . sort of.
Most especially, please consider this a response to that “comforting” thought that our departed loved ones have been called up by the Lord because “He needs them” there more than we need them here. I do love the people who have shared that notion, but it’s unbiblical and it doesn’t help. Idunno, maybe there are folks who do find it helpful or who can ignore it like so much white noise. FYI, I’m not one of ’em. No harm, no foul; now you know.
I have many other thoughtish things to say about this and I may say them later and link back.
Enjoy. And ponder if you dare.
Update: they yanked the video from Youtube, but I found it on FunnyOrDie. Then it showed up on YouTube again.
Joel 
12 comments
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Tue - 2008/11/11 at 20:48
Paul
Sorry for your loss.
Tue - 2008/11/11 at 21:02
ken
I like what Tony Campolo says about those “comforting” words: “Jesus is life, and death is always the enemy of life.”
Tue - 2008/11/11 at 23:43
Gabriel
I love it! (The song/video, that is.) I can imagine Deb grinning at it, too.
I think of Wendie’s Dad and Deb a lot. I really miss them both. Like you, I’m still pissed that they’re gone. Perhaps Jesus will have a good explanation one day. And I trust that it’s “good.” I still don’t like it.
Wed - 2008/11/12 at 00:13
joelmw
@Paul: thanks.
@Ken: Amen. Campolo, that old radical; figures that he’d say something like that. 😉 My daughter reminded me of something in those first few days after Deb passed that I doubt I will ever again forget and that has been a great comfort to me. She reminded me that death wasn’t part of the plan; we’re not supposed to like it. Seems to me that too many believers essentially make a deal with the devil and find all sorts of rationalizations for it, when Scripture makes it clear that it’s wrong and it’s our enemy and Jesus came precisely to conquer it.
@Gabe: I knew I could count on you. Seriously. You get me, bro. It does dance (some kinda two-step, no doubt) all over everything proper. And maybe what I like best about it is that it dares to play with the language of Jesus as lover and with the genuine emotions we might feel but wouldn’t dare express toward the second person of the Trinity. The song without the video leaves open a purer interpretation which I prefer (there’s a video of him just playing it in a bar that I almost posted instead), but I do like about the video that it has him reconciling with the Lord at the end and, yeah, I like the extra funny. 🙂 And the basic conceit of misunderstanding works pretty darn well, if you ask me. We might laugh at someone who supposes that his wife has left him to shack up with the Lord but, 1) his misunderstanding might be closer than our “understanding” and 2) none of us really knows what’s going on anyway. “They must think that I’m stupid or I don’t have a clue . . .” I think I need to blog about this and unpack it a little.
Wed - 2008/11/12 at 07:17
Carmen
Well it make sense to me Joely, and I am so sorry for your loss and glad you’ve found ways to express it that fit you.
Wed - 2008/11/12 at 08:18
Anita
I like it, the video and song and what you’re saying.
I don’t like that you are without your wife, I can’t imagine how difficult that is. And I know there’s nothing I can really say to make it better. But I’m glad you are sharing some of what you’re feeling, like Carmen said, in ways that fit you.
I like your quirkiness and I’m glad to experience a little bit of it! :o)
Thu - 2008/11/13 at 17:25
joelmw
@Carmen and Anita: I’m just gonna say that I love you ladies and the fact that you’re both a significant part of the tribe that encourages me to be me and that’s a huge thing. Thank you.
Fri - 2008/11/14 at 12:55
Ryon
You’re really tall.
I couldn’t get the video to play but thought I should comment anyway. So there’s that.
Fri - 2008/11/14 at 20:54
Lauren B. Davis
I hope you don’t feel alone, Joel, although your loss must be agony. It never goes away, you just learn to shoulder the weight, I think. In those moments when I’ve been grief-felled, it astonishes me that even then, somewhere way down deep in the bottomless pit where I find myself — even there I am companioned. I have a sense, sometimes fragile as a soap bubble, but still a sense, that someone who loves me sits with me and shares my anguish. Until I get me some answers, as your friend Gabriel above says, it is enough. Sending prayers your way. Keep writing, and keep your sense of humor.
Fri - 2008/11/14 at 20:57
Lauren B. Davis
P.s. — “secret baptism?” Hilarious.
Sun - 2009/01/04 at 20:15
joelmw
@Ryon: You need to watch this video and listen to the song. Steal someone else’s computer if you have to. We have mutual friends; make them watch it with you and tell them they don’t really love me unless they do. Um, by the way, please don’t tell me who declines. What I could do is withhold comments on your book until you’ve heard the song; that would be an awful thing to do and, really, it would just be an excuse, but, well, whatever it takes. I won’t pretend I’m above it.
@Lauren: it’s funny that you say that about feeling alone. I’m sorting through that aloneness thing–well, intermittently, but it is often on my mind.
Sometimes I do get lonely. A lot of those times, it’s a loneliness that I believe only Deb could fill. But I can’t remember the last time I felt without God; even when He and I are at odds, He is a persistent presence. Sometimes I have cursed Him for His faithfulness and dogged pursuit, but then quickly repented (not so much for fear of wrath, but realizing–at least in part–the unspeakable grace of divine intimacy). In truth, so many times in the last two years I have been deeply and positively aware of God–the kind of experiences that might convince someone who had previously not believed at all. Somehow that hasn’t stopped my unhappiness or complaint, however. I try not to be so public about the complaint (and I am simultaneously thankful–though I am sure some will think this erroneous thinking on my part) and, fundamentally, my complaint comes from a sure belief in the promise; I may not again experience in this life the joy that I once knew, but I won’t stop wanting it–indeed, wanting more.
Too, though I love people and do often think I should spend more time with them and, I’ll be honest, do sorely miss the particular companionship of a spouse (and, as I said, of my spouse), I am also prone to solitude. The sucky thing, I think, is that I’m kind of a one-to-one sort of person, moreover, trained by an intense, quality-time, one-to-one wife. But I suspect that any eventual one-to-one-ness will require a bit more of the socialness (even, eek, socialness in quantity) that is so taxing and irritating and leaves me feeling, well, old and not quite up for the game.
Part of what I want to write more about is how much my experience of Jesus was not just mediated but truly made possible (in ways too numerous to quickly describe) by Deb. I know that there is opportunity in this time (especially to deepen other relationships; most especially with the Eternal Companion) and that I am probably wasting most of it. I am also confident that the Spirit is yet at work within and upon me. And I feel life returning, even though I still feel such a mess; indeed, the messiness and the pain are themselves signs of life.
Thank you for your prayers. Prayer is the one thing I have persistently and unashamedly (and, I don’t mind saying, I think, quite wisely) requested. And, as always, thanks for listening and appreciating.
Thu - 2009/01/29 at 20:42
Whistling in the Dark « Arting
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